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SANDTON – Derek Watts is just having a look around, thanks. He’ll let you know if he needs any help. What’s that? No he’s not here to do a story about your shop. He just wants to check out some of these shirts. No he doesn’t care that the manager isn’t here, he’s not here to see the manager, he’s just casting his eye over some polo shirts. What? No he doesn’t know if he wants to buy one or not, he’s just browsing. Why did Derek Watts examine that shirt so closely? Because he wants to know what the quality is like, so relax. You’re telling Derek Watts to relax? No YOU relax. Do you see a camera crew following Derek Watts around? Do you see a microphone in Derek Watts’ hand? No you don’t, because Derek Watts is just walking around the mall, window shopping, just like everybody else in Sandton City today.
What’s under Derek Watts’ cap? There’s nothing under Derek Watts’ cap. You mean like a hidden camera poking through the logo in the peak? That’s fucking ridiculous. If Derek Watts wanted to do an exposé about this shop, trust me, you would fucking know about it. Here, look at the goddamn cap, there’s nothing under the cap. Satisfied dipshit? No Derek Watts WILL take that tone with you because you’re acting like he’s the fucking Gestapo or something. Derek Watts won’t lower his fucking voice, in fact, now Derek Watts WOULD actually like to see the manager. Why?!! Because he can’t go anywhere in this fucking piece of shit mall without some paranoid fucktard freaking out and calling mall security. Oh you’re actually going to call security?! Well done Sherlock, you caught Derek Watts! You’re the man! Derek Watts was going to do an entire episode of Carte Blanche about mouth-breathing, partially lobotomised fuckwits like you, but you bust him! Hey, get your hands off Derek Watts! Don’t fucking touch Derek Watts! Derek Watts will fucking sue you till your head spins!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!! Is there nowhere Derek Watts can just fucking shop in peace!!!