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Movie Review With Brett van Rooyen, Bouncer At Azure Nightclub In Randburg

Brett van Rooyen


Okes, this movie is lank tit. The name tunes like it’s a French art film, like about lesbians or something, but it’s not. The plot actually schemes more about all that French revolution kak, and this ballie who has to haul ass to get away from a poes cop who wants to gooi him in the tjoekie. Les Miserables is, like, French for “the miserable ones” and my china, I won’t lie, I had a bit of a driz when I checked it. Fucken okes are being moered left right and centre, and okes are pegging and their cherry’s are drizzing and some of the cherries also peg. Basically the movie tunes that you mustn’t be a doos like my connection Cameron who doesn’t give a fuck about other people and who klapped that one oke last weekend just for skeefing him. It’s more like how if you actually give a shit, and you make an effort, then that’s, like, the biggest gift you can give someone. That one smoking hot goose who was in Batman is in it and also that lank buff bra who was Wolverine. The pictures are moerse rop and the songs are fucken tit. Maximus the gladiator also schemes to sing some songs but he’s kaaaaaaak, although I scheme he’s meant to be the doos in the story so he can’t tune like he’s Cliff Richard or something.

Cuz, I don’t normally give rocks for these kinds of shows but trust me boet, you’ll for sure squeeze a saltie if you check this movie, and it’s a Ga-Ren-Teeeed panty dropper. Les Miz tunes a solid 75 out of a hundreds on Brett’s “Schweet or Swak” scale.

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56 Responses to Movie Review With Brett van Rooyen, Bouncer At Azure Nightclub In Randburg

  1. Wilma Lensink Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Love it!

    Please write more movie reviews!

  2. Herman Lategan Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    More! Love it as well.

  3. Albert Barnard Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 3:50 pm


  4. Ebony Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    With reviews like this you are destined to have the hugest following!! Damn amazing :D

  5. Matt Suttner Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    Absolutely brilliant.

  6. Cynthia Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Who are u? I dig your review writing. Whoa!

  7. Shane Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 6:35 pm


  8. Johnny Reply

    January 30, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    naais wun my chyna

  9. Graham Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 5:21 am

    Please teach Barry Ronge to write a review.

  10. jules Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I smaak it stukkend. Your review is boss

  11. frankie Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Excellent review old chap!

  12. durani Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 10:45 am

    this is too funny! I want to read more!

  13. Riaan van der Westhuizen Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 11:27 am

    More! Lank kif review boet!

  14. Masterbaiter Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Mah boet, this is kiff! Not like salmon polo shirt kiff but even better, like a dolce but for guys. I shmaack.

  15. Jonathan Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    First time in my life I’m considering going to watch Les Mis. My girlfriend will be chuffed. Great review.

  16. brad Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 2:08 pm


  17. Ryan van Heerden Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    Pull in!

  18. The_Mus Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Funniest sh1t I have read in a long time! Purposely written like? Either way good job.

  19. cameron Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    bra you cruising for a bruising my china, ill drop you quicker than the twin towers!

  20. Michelle Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    This bouncer’s been watching too much Jersey Shore

  21. PH Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    AWESOME review! There are tears in my eyes when I read that!! I miss my Jozi connections!



  22. donald Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Laaik ur riting style, got lots of potensial ek se my bbroe

  23. Steve Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Tit bru!

  24. Candice Holdsworth Reply

    January 31, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Can’t stop laughing!

  25. natalie Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 12:19 am

    Your writing is atrocious and I tried to find the humour but you just spew the same dumb slang words and it produces an annoying red-neck dumb fucking article.
    If you had at least correctly identified the actors and not used the same slang words over and over it could have been better, although probably not a whole lot.
    I knew I should not have bothered to read what you think when I saw that bullshit health bracelet you are wearing. Clearly you are a moron but at least you have made some friends here.

    • Gatsby Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 12:23 am

      Natalie it’s a satirical article, so Brett doesn’t actually exist.
      But thank you for your comment and for making me laugh.

    • Brad Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 6:12 am

      Thanks for that reply Natalie, we all now know who the moron is…

    • Mazambane Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 10:14 am

      There had to be one fun nazi

    • Jhuna Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 10:21 am

      I think this article went completely over your head Natalie, I suggest you look up the meaning of satire.

      That goes for Suzanne too.

    • Guido Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 2:14 pm

      Natalie!!!! I love youI Marry me! You made my day :)

    • Pete Banbury Reply

      April 15, 2013 at 7:20 am

      WANTED: Small minority to spoil it for the rest of us. There’s always one moron, could it be you?

      If you think like Natalie or Suzanne, please post your reply below.

      Tit article chaps and chapesses.

      As for those crying plagiarism, have a word with yourselves, it’s funny and it made a load of us laugh at no one’s expense.

  26. owen Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 12:37 am

    natalie’s comment made me laugh almost as much as the review. pvsa (poes van stoel af)

  27. suzanne Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 1:19 am

    You have to be the most stupid person I have ever had the displeasure of being introduced to. Your review is like reading a 5 year olds attempt to write there adventures of the weekend except that would be an insult to the intelligence of said 5 year old. Its no wonder that you are a bouncer as im sure you have only the skill of standing still for hours on end pretending that you are someone important because you get no other satisfaction out of life due to your lack of intelligence and probably small willy
    If I was you id probably end it all at the fear of accidentally procreating and infecting the world with your dumbed down spawn. Kind regards

    • Jannie Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 10:27 am

      These replies make the article so much better! Keep it coming you stiff-lipped nerds!

      And Brett, I’d pay money to get more opinions rom your lekke mind – your reviews rock like new kids on the block brah.

    • Dom. As in Dominic. Not 'doff'. Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 10:35 am

      My dear Suzanne. It would give me no end of pleasure to point out the numerous glaring spelling and grammatical errors in your little tirade here, but I’m certain I’d be wasting my time. Like Natalie up there, you have taken the time to become annoyed by something completely – and intentionally – meant for entertainment.

      Grow the hell up and get a life. Final point – don’t sign off with ‘Kind regards’ if you don’t mean it. It’s not as clever as you might think.

      As for you you, Brett van Rooyen… you review laaik a baaaaaawse!

      • wendyzee Reply

        February 1, 2013 at 9:02 pm

        Dear Dom(inic)
        Thank you dear, you saved me the effort!
        Just want to add that in order to write something this far of the beaten-track, grammatically, actually requires a rather serious number of functional brain cells!

        Well done okes – and yup – keep ’em coming, reminds me of my youth in the vast city of Jozie

  28. Pauline Sandeman Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 8:30 am


  29. Janine Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 9:11 am

    KUK Funny my bru !

  30. Klapped stukkend Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 9:13 am

  31. dazla Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Poes kiff!

  32. VGL Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Hilarious.. Even funnnier is these self righteous, moronic females who are so bloody stupid they don’t even know what satire is..

  33. eric Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 10:45 am

    My best “I miss” South Africa moment of the day.

  34. Trev Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Lank kiff!

  35. Civilian Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    This is a blatant rip-off of SlickTiger’s ‘Guide to Klapping Gym Boet’ writing style. You should be ashamed of yourself.


    • Gatsby Reply

      February 1, 2013 at 12:20 pm

      Civilian – I was under the impression that this patois came out of Joburg in the 60s and 70s, but you’re saying a blogger invented it?

    • Henry VanDerBurpenfart Reply

      February 2, 2013 at 4:08 pm

      Erm dude, the articles all link to each other. facepalm

  36. Griet Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    How sad is it that shit like this actually entertains anybody with more than one brain cell.

    Thank you Lord for not making everybody is this world the same.

  37. RewdRonnie Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    “Satire” is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon…… I think you have misunderstood the meaning.

  38. "The Duchess" Reply

    February 1, 2013 at 10:46 pm

    This is brilliant! It makes me fondly remember my childhood in the 80s and my older brother. He continues to use words and terminology such as “kief”, “tit”, “bru”, “laaik” and “china”, even though he’s lived and worked in London for years. Thanks very much for bringing a bit of uniquely South African humour to the net when so much (dare I say it?!) KAK is going on in the world today that is almost always depressing. Cheers my Bru!!!

  39. Jet Reply

    February 3, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Love it! You’ve made my evening :)
    This is exactly how the average oke from Fourways would describe a movie to his buddies.

  40. Nanooki Reply

    April 9, 2013 at 5:36 pm


  41. Daniel Reply

    June 22, 2013 at 2:10 am

    Hahaha a true case of sounding dumber than you look and charna let me tune u thats not easy for you brah.I skit u now u should have popped vitamin b and omega oil instead of roids cos yasie bru that muscle in your pip seems weak. good luck buddy dont take another knock to the cranium(thats your skull) cos if u want to keep writting and stop being a doormat u gonna need it. ;). PS little bit of advice dont steal someone’s writting style that is also retarded.

    • Gatsby Reply

      August 27, 2013 at 10:24 am

      Don’t be a dummy, Daniel. This style of writing, or “writting” as you call it, has been around since the 50s and 60s in Joburg. It’s the way people actually speak, and have spoken for some time. Paul Slabolepszy drew on it for his play “Saturday Night At The Palace” in 1982. It wasn’t invented by a blogger.

  42. Lorrain Reply

    March 4, 2015 at 12:41 am

    What fun and giggles I just had reading the post and all the comments.
    As an ex-pat it made me miss SA so much.
    There is so much crap going on and this was just awesome to change the focus away from all the drama.
    Entertainment de-luxe!!!

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