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Israel Prepares For Invasion By Iranian Space Chimps


TEL AVIV – The Israeli Defence Force is on high alert following Iran’s announcement last month that it had successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran Space Agency officials said they had placed the monkey on board their Kavoshgar rocket and retrieved it alive after re-entry following a brief suborbital flight, prompting the IDF to hastily draw up countermeasures should an airborne simian attack by Iran be imminent. “The flying space monkey threat is unlike anything we’ve had to deal with before,” said Commander in Chief of the Israeli Air Force Amir Eshel. “Our research shows that chimps can use anything as a weapon. They have been observed using sticks, rocks and even their own faeces. There are few animals as versatile in combat.”

Defence analysts say the combination of advanced rocketry and navigational systems with the natural strength and cunning of primates presents an unprecedented threat. The IDF’s first line of defence is the so-called “Iron Dome” missile defence system but it has also established an elite division of ground forces named Harag Kofeem (“kill the monkeys”) should a large-scale invasion of rocket-borne attack apes occur. The White House meanwhile condemned Iran’s flying death monkey program saying that the move could spark a suborbital zoological arms race not seen since the 1950s when the Russian Space Agency attempted to launch a series of dogs at major U.S. cities.

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