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Zuma Whispers Sweet Nothings In Valentine’s State Of Nation Address

President Jacob Zuma delivered his state of the nation address on Valentine’s Day yesterday, murmuring enchanting sweet nothings into the nation’s collective ear during the joint sitting of parliament. “Jobs,” whispered the president seductively. “Education.”

Zuma enters his second term buoyed by a fresh wave of party support following the ANC’s Mangaung conference last year but faces criticism from many quarters for sometimes just saying lovey-dovey stuff to string people along. During his speech the president wooed the nation with enticing promises on key issues such as poverty alleviation and improved healthcare, but many said they felt like they were just being buttered up with more inconsequential hanky-panky talk. “National Development Plan,” teased the president coquettishly at one point, later adding, “land reform,” as he peeked out playfully from behind his lectern.

Zuma’s Valentine’s Day endearments have drawn mixed reactions, with some observers saying he was only nice when he needed something, and that they wanted to believe him this time but couldn’t after all that stuff he’d done. Others said they were willing to give him another chance, because why would he say all those nice things if he wasn’t into them? By all accounts the president – a notorious heartbreaker – will have to follow through on his Valentine’s Day pillow talk lest he loses further support. Zuma ended his address by saying that the nation was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and that he hoped they would be together forever.

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