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Noakes Bust In Sordid Hotel Room Pizza Bender


CAPE TOWN – World-renowned anti carbohydrate crusader Professor Tim Noakes has been detained after allegedly going on a debauched pizza bender in a hotel room in Newlands. Police say a cheese-covered Noakes – who has long championed a controversial low-carb high-fat diet – was found with the remains of an estimated 27 thin base and 19 deep dish pizzas in a suite at the exclusive Vineyard Hotel last night. Staff said guests had complained about “depraved grunting noises” coming from Noakes’ room just before midnight and that police had managed to gain entry only after posing as Butler’s deliverymen. Officers reportedly discovered him writhing naked on a pile of empty pizza boxes and half-eaten crusts strewn on the floor.

Meanwhile a source at popular Newlands eatery Panarotti’s confirmed that Noakes was a regular customer and that “he likes them exotic”, backing initial forensic reports that pizza remains at the scene appeared to be mostly Mexican, Hawaiian and Cajun in origin. Another source at Morituri Pizzeria in Claremont said that Noakes often wore disguises when purchasing pizzas and that he was “into pain”, often ordering extra chilli, “even with a Mexicana.” Noakes, who reportedly still had strings of Mozzarella cheese in his hair, was escorted from the hotel by his wife after police filed a report. Investigators have said they will revisit a previously unsolved case from 2006 when a muffin and croissant display at the Wanderers Protea Hotel was decimated by an unknown person, allegedly while Noakes was staying there over the same period.

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3 Responses to Noakes Bust In Sordid Hotel Room Pizza Bender

  1. Moi Me Reply

    February 28, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Classic stuff. Noakes is still one of the okes.
    Strings of Mozzarella cheese in his hair” – I laughed till I cried.

  2. Graham Alexander Reply

    August 27, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    Is there available recourse for me to turn to? I nearly choked on my potato gnocchi while reading this shocking news. What’s more, until now I was 35 days clean from acting on my filthy compulsion to arrange vulgar words with my alphabet soup. Oh Tim, but why?

  3. Ockert Reply

    March 18, 2014 at 9:59 am

    The cheesy part is fine, the other ingredients ok, what is stressing me out (as I am about to start this new diet) … is how much of the CRUST! he has taken …?

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