Crime Stats 2013 – What Do They Say?
As police minister Nathi Mthethwa presented South Africa’s latest crime statistics to the media this afternoon, we took a closer look at some of the numbers and figures contained in the hotly anticipated report.
- Tragic increase in Top Billing episodes and inserts compared to same period last year.
- Drop in common assault, rise in classy assault.
- 100% rise in reckless manslaughter and/or murder by trigger-happy douchebag celebrity athletes.
- 6.5% rise of attempted murder indicative of South Africans’ increased bungling and fudging of actual murders.
- 76% chance of a Danny K anti-crime initiative sing-a-long in 2014.
- Irritating Facebook comments by shitty Australian relatives on the up.
- Overall decrease in sexual offences due to President spending more time at Nkandla.
- Likely increase in number of ham-fisted allegorical dystopian Neill Blomkamp films.
- ATM bombings down, photo bombings up.
- 12% increase in Glenn Agliotti’s waistline.