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Crime Stats 2013 – What Do They Say?


As police minister Nathi Mthethwa presents South Africa’s latest crime statistics to the media this afternoon, we take a closer look at some of the data contained in the hotly anticipated report.

  • Tragic increase in Top Billing episodes and inserts compared to same period last year.
  • Drop in common assault, rise in classy assault.
  • 100% rise in reckless manslaughter and/or murder by trigger-happy douchebag celebrity athletes.
  • 6.5% rise of attempted murder indicative of South Africans’ increased bungling and fudging of actual murders.
  • 76% chance of a Danny K anti-crime initiative sing-a-long in 2014.
  • Irritating Facebook comments by shitty Australian relatives on the up.
  • Overall decrease in sexual offences due to President spending more time at Nkandla.
  • Likely increase in number of ham-fisted allegorical dystopian Neill Blomkamp films.
  • ATM bombings down, photo bombings up.
  • 12% increase in Glenn Agliotti’s waistline.


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