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When Criticism Gets Me Down, I Like To Get Away To The Awesome Man Cave You Bought Me – By J.G. Zuma


You know, the world can be a pretty darn tough place sometimes. As the president of a country you do your best, you keep your head down, you work hard… but then haters will suddenly just rip into you for no apparent reason! Believe me, I’ve had more than my fair share of mindless abuse. From the media, from the public, from the opposition, from academics, experts, NGOs, the international community, hell, even from my own party! But when life gets me down and I feel like all this unprovoked negativity about my presidency is getting too much, that’s when I like to go to Nkandla and recharge at the multi-million rand man cave you paid for!

Look, I’m not saying we have to look at life through a pair of rose-coloured glasses, I’ll be the first one to put up my hand and take responsibility, but the relentless criticism, nit-picking and downright mean comments that come my way really really hurt! I honestly don’t know where it all comes from. So when it just gets too much, when it feels like I just want to give up and pack it all in, that’s when I like to get away and spend some “me time” at the lavish retreat I own that you paid for with your tax money. I have to admit, sometimes I ask myself where this is all coming from? Why the constant criticism and disapproval? Well, I can tell you that once I’ve spent a few days relaxing at the personal palace I own that was funded by the citizens of South Africa I feel like a new man and those cares just melt away. It has awesome helicopter pads, a theatre, dozens of rooms, sweet underground bunkers, everything!

Ok here’s an example of what I have to put up with. Just the other day I was blindsided by this completely unprovoked attack that I don’t set a good example for men in a society that is still incredibly sexist and patriarchal. You know what, that really hurt! So I booked in some leave and went down to my little hideaway to visit all my wives in the separate compounds where I house them, and before you know it I was as right as rain! I could stand under those imported Italian showerheads all day. And this other time people were all like, “He’s so corrupt, he takes money from businessmen.” That was just brutal and I have no idea why people would be so crappy. But yep, you guessed it, the cure was simply just to hop on a taxpayer-funded helicopter to my own private lair that you and my friend Schabir Shaik helped pay for and I had a smile on my dial in no time. It even has a full-sized soccer field! Do I think there’s a conspiracy against me? You bet I do. How else do you explain all these unprovoked attacks? At the end of the day I like to think of myself as a man of the people, in touch with the poorest of the poor, and that’s why I had them build my R270m digs right in the middle of one of the most destitute parts of the country. So who’s out of touch now, losers!

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4 Responses to When Criticism Gets Me Down, I Like To Get Away To The Awesome Man Cave You Bought Me – By J.G. Zuma

  1. Blair H Reply

    November 8, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Hahah this just made my day. “Zuma” issh guy, you inspire me no joke!

  2. Ajay Reply

    November 8, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Nice. Where’s the “user pay” principle now?

  3. Pingback: Las 10 webs de noticias falsas más famosas del mundo

  4. Tony Blair Reply

    December 27, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    Im interested to know how Zuma is now enjoying his forced retirement in a home that the South African tax payers have paid for…
    tough life hey!

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